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What Harry Potter Mary Sue cliche are you?
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I don't need no stinkin' quiz to tell me that.

Anyway, after six hours at the Mall of America, an incident with the fireplace, a trip to Cafe Latte while Mom and Dad aired the house out, and four games of Simpsons Clue, I still had enough energy to write a better ending to Goblet of Fire last night. It was spawned by a discussion with

clodia_risa on characterization that turned to a discussion on Subtext.

Scene: The graveyard in Goblet of Fire

Wormtail is performing the resurrection spell.

“Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken, you will revive your foe,” said Wormtail, pouring Harry’s blood into the cauldron. Harry flinched when he returned, but Wormtail only leaned in to whisper hurriedly in Harry’s ear.

“Harry, I need to tell you something,” he hissed. “Remus Lupin and Sirius Black were NEVER in a relationship.”

“What?” said Harry, noting the irony that only seconds earlier, he had been wondering whether he would be surprised by anything ever again.

But Wormtail was already on his way back to the cauldron.

A little while later, Harry and Voldemort were encased in a large golden dome of light, outside of which dozens of Death Eaters stood panicking. Dead people were coming out of Voldemort’s wand.

“Your father’s coming,” said Harry’s mother. “He wanted to see you.”

Then James Potter emerged from the wand.

“Harry, it’s important that you know that Sirius and Remus were never in a relationship,” he said.

“Okay, what is going on?” yelled Harry in exasperation.

“Remember what I told you,” said James.

Harry forgot all about this until after he had miraculously returned to Hogwarts with Cedric’s body and narrowly escaped being killed by Mad-Eye Moody, who turned out to be a Death Eater who was supposed to be dead and wasn’t Wormtail.

“Harry, you need to tell me what happened,” said Dumbledore.

“But it’s hard and I don’t want to,” said Harry.

“Sometimes we have to do things that are difficult,” said Dumbledore. “By the way, Sirius and Professor Lupin were and probably still are in a relationship.”

Harry stared. “I don’t know who to believe anymore,” he said.

Then Sirius came in.

“Finally!” said Harry. “I need you to explain something to me. People have been saying things about you and Professor Lupin, and—”

“Oh, that,” said Sirius. “Yes, it’s true.”

“It’s true?” said Harry incredulously. “Then why did Wormtail and my dad say it wasn’t?”

“Harry, when did you talk to your dad? Isn’t he supposed to be dead or something?” said Sirius.

THE END.

Well, good night!